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The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

   

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The Literary Junkie


Original Material Copyrighted by Blue Skelton Productions 10 September 2004

DISCLAIMER This is a work of fiction. The events described in this work are fabricated and the author assumes no responsibility for the validity of the information. Blue Skelton does not own or claim any rights to the characters found in some of his Fan-Fiction

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Please use your best judgement as to whether you want to read the material.

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Blue Skelton is a veteran blogger and a master prankster. His antics have earned him a reputation for being unpredictable and a wide base of fans and friends. He is also an accomplished writer and aspiring film student. Welcome to one of the internet�s most popular blogs. We hope that you enjoy your stay as we push the limits of Hack Publishing. Thank you once more for your Patronage.
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Feb 21, 2006
The Prodigal Son

Warning: All characters portrayed in this work are purely fictional. Any resemblance to people or deities, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Years back, Lucifer and his father engaged in an epic and legendary battle that rocked the pillars of the neighborhood. It was a struggle that the denizens of the trailer park would be talking about for almost an age of mankind. After Lucifer fell from his father's grace he was banished to a shit-hole town called Hell, Kansas.  Hell was the epitome of everything that is wrong with this world. The denizens of Hell liked both kinds of music: Country and Western. To make matters worse the only alcohol available to the young demon was 3.2 percent Busch beer. Truthfully, he would rather have drunken piss.

 

Lucifer had grown from an upstart teenager full of impertinence into a jaded young adult who was disenchanted with his lot in life. Living in Kansas will do that to a man. After bumming around Hell for a few years, Lucifer realized that he could no longer hack it in the real world. So he decided to return home to beg his father for forgiveness. It would not be an easy task.

 

Lucifer's father was a God. The whole trailer park worshipped him. God lived in the “God’s Own Trailer Park” just off Love Street and the intersection came far too quickly for Lucifer's liking. The entrance to the park was “VIP Only” and he had to ram the pearly gates just to get through. The security guard, Peter had been instructed not to allow Lucifer back onto the premises.

 

Almost as soon as Lucifer exited the car, his colossus father came rumbling and stumbling out of the trailer. Thunder crashed down from the heavens.  God could not believe his eyes. His son had fulfilled the prophecy and returned to fight for his place on the throne. God carried an aluminum baseball bat in one hand and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the other. "What in the Sam hill do you think your doing coming back here, you worthless brat?" God crushed the beer can and got ready to rumble. His chest puffed out and lightening bolts shot out of his ears. He bore a striking resemblance to Zeus when he was angry and a member of ZZ Top when he was content. But right now God was ready for war.

 

Lucifer saw the stormy madness inside his father's eyes and knew he had to act fast in order to avoid his impending doom. Just before he had been kicked out he had threatened to kill his father should they ever meet again. Lucifer had left under shotgun fire and now thunder heralded his return. Lucifer's anger had cooled but his father was a vengeful dad whose wrath was not easily sated. God was less harsh on is younger children because they did not remind him so much of himself.  His son, Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus) was kind and meek whereas Lucifer was the spitting image of his father. He was big, proud, and angry.

 

God’s beer girth was worthy of a mythical creature. He had to chase his son around the rusted car a few times before he was assuaged and convinced that Lucifer was not there to duke it out.  The fight ended up with Lucifer cowering in the fetal position..  Lucifer knew if he showed any aggressive behavior it might have begun the war to end all wars.  And so they went inside to have a little chat. God settled down into his polyester recliner and cracked open a brew.

 

"So how's life in hell son?" God asked with a smug look on his face.

 

"Hot and slimy, dad." Lucifer replied. "And nobody has any teeth."

 

"I must admit that I was surprised to see you especially after the manner in which you left." God said sternly. “So, what brings you back son?”

 

"Yeah I have missed you." Lucifer replied "I kind of want to come home."

 

Heaven was silent as the full weight of Lucifer's statement sunk in. "I'm not sure I can do that son, you did call Jesus's mom a whore, and threaten to take over the neighborhood." God replied.

 

"We all make mistakes, Dad. I was young and stupid."

 

“Well son, we’ll have to see what Jesus has to say about this.”

 

Lucifer and his brother Jesus were hopelessly estranged and did not get along at all. They were total opposites. However Jesus was loved by his father due to his gentle nature and more importantly his ability to turn water into alcohol, specifically Southern Comfort.

 

“Ah but Dad, does it really matter what he thinks? I’m sorry.”

 

“He is the good son and my alcohol supplier Lucifer. I have to look out for what is in his best interests. Don’t worry son.  I’m sure if you apologize to him and explain the situation everything will be fine.”

 

“Alright dad, call him in.”

 

“Jesus, could you come in here for a minute?” God called.

 

Trumpets blared from the CD player as Jesus enters the room. A young nerdy looking boy walked into the room and looked first at his father and then his brother.

 

“Ah, so the Prodigal Son returns.” Jesus says as he looked at his demon brother.


Posted at 07:46 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (5)

Nov 14, 2005
Preacher Madman (Work in Progress)

I was walking into the quad one day when I saw something that peaked my curiosity A college campus is a place full of strange creatures and one can never tell what one might find. On this particular occasion I found a madman preaching the gospel. As you all know I have an affinity to the insane and being a little buggy myself I decided to investigate. What followed was one of the most interesting religious debates of my long life.

 

The preacher was a throwback from the love generation. At one time he had been a hippie who indulged in all kinds of peace and debauchery. But just like every other member of that generation he sold out. But instead of selling out to the highest bidder as most of the future yuppie scum did, this gentleman sold himself to God. But his God was a vengeful God and even Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would cringe in front of this man’s wrath.

 

This was one guy who should never have gotten off drugs. There are many people in this world who should never have quit using. The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, and this crazy preacher fit into this category.

 

“Last week I was in Greece preaching at the great Aristotle University and the great Macedonia University. And I know that you are having illicit sex with each other… and I know that you are all sodomozing each other like the Greeks.”

 

In this guys eyes everyone was going to hell. I do not think that anyone was going to heaven except for himself and his wife. His wife faithfully handed him Gatorade as he accosted the crowd. He was fearless but his wife looked upon the scene with anxious anticipation. By now a huge crowd of angry minorities were furious and about to gang stomp him in response to racial slurs. Because of course everyone but white conservative males were going to hell. Mexicans were of course Catholic so they were definitely going to hell. The Jews killed Christ so they were off to hell as well. He refrained from condemning the black kids for fear of a riot.

 

Yes the crazy bastard was having quite a time of things until I arrived. Things went steadily downhill for him from there. I arrived just in time for him to begin his spiel on water Baptism.

 

“Water Baptism is imperative for all of you heathens who have not yet been purified from sin.”

 

“What about beer,” I yelled. I’d like to be baptized in beer.”

 

I swear to God his eyebrow raised.

 

When I had finally aggravated him out of his wits he pointed his finger at me and said “I am gonna git you. I’m gonna git ya.”

 

“Alright old man save your lightening bolts for another day, I’ll leave”

 

As I was leaving he rejoiced in ecstasy. The fire and brimstone of his sermon returned and he began to shout hysterically. “We are exorcizing the demons. Thank God almighty we’re exorcizing the demons.”

 

I looked to the sky for falling sulphur but none came.


Posted at 01:20 am by BlueSkelton
Comments (8)

Oct 18, 2005
Monkeys have nothing to do with this entry

Well I guess you guys just aren't Yatta fans. That was a mighty flop. I have not blogged in nearly a month and most of you I fear are already gone. So this post is for you loyal readers. I wish that I could tell you that I have accomplished great things in my absence but that would be a misnomer. The truth is that I have been engaging in all kinds of self indulgences. Beer and Video college football now take up most of my time. But I am slowly realizing that it is time for me to fulfill my task. I must achieve the lightening speed I require to accomplish my goals. But then again maybe I will win the 380 million dollar lotto jackpot. I will figuratively shoot myself in the foot should I forget to walk down and purchase a ticket tomorrow.

 

Soon I will let the real Blue out of his cage and write like a madman insomniac. I have realized that I have a drastic need for contacts inside the writing world. But as we all bloggers know writing contacts are hard to find these days. So I will just push the envelope instead. It is now my primary goal to get a book banned in the United States. I do not think that it will be so hard considering the fact that are free speech hangs by a shred. One of the topics I am considering is a book condemning America for their continued oppression and exploitation of Native Americans. There are so many self righteous bastards in this country that forget that our land is stained with the blood of the Indian people. And we came far closer to slaughtering them entirely than Hitler ever came to killing the Jews. The fact that we leave them to decay in reservations barely better than concentration camps does not comfort me. I have not decided whether I want to make it a realistic tale or give it a cyberpunk spin.

That is just one of the ideas that are going through my head. Who knows what will happen. It all depends on how the information flows. As you well know all things flow in accordance to the will of the great magnet. I am tired of the chaos of my life and I am beginning to realize why many great writers like JD Salinger or Jean Amery go into conclusion.

I have never related more to Anakin Skywalker in my life. I want to control everything. Like Anakin I have failed everyone who ever loved me. And I did worse than fail them. And now only one person remains. And I want so dearly to succeed that I would try just about anything. But I am so close to the darkside. I still look at all the insects running around this campus and I realize that I hate them. I find it disturbing that I would feel no sorrow if they were forced to suffer. In fact I would like them to suffer as I have suffered. And yet I am moved to sorrow by the Holocaust. But I can empathize with the Jews. They were weak and powerless just like me. Evil people like the Machiavellian assholes that run rampant in this college killed them. I thought that this would be a liberal town due to the fact that there is a University here. But I am at the heart of conservatism on Earth. And truthfully I would throw every conservative in the crematorium if I were given the chance. I am sick of their crusades. But I am not Darth Vader. I will always be as helpless and powerless as the slaughtered Jews. The Conservatives and their corporate constituents make up the bulk of our New Empire. And I would not be surprised if they slaughtered me for my words.

Sadly I am in Psychology this semester (it is required). The more I sit in the class the more I despise it. The more I study the more I agree with my idiotic but loveable friend Tom Cruise. The only thing I have agreed with so far is that Women look for immediate resources (Money) in a relationship. But I have not given up hope for love just yet. For in my Psychology class I met a girl. This girl is perfect in looks and attitude and she is my last chance for a girlfriend this semester. One of the final steps towards the darkside is when you forsake all of the Bullshit love upon the Earth and only strive only to make yourself more powerful. I am not ready to do this just yet.

Fortunately for me Family Loyalty supersedes everything. I have laid down all my joys. For I am no longer important. Rescuing my family is my final task. And I pray every moment of my life that I am strong and lucky enough to achieve this. And I am comforted by the knowlede that when my task is through I will have my two shots of heroin, my sunset, and the end of all things.

I have read no news of Iraq since I arrived here. I just no longer care. But I do feel sorry for anyone stupid enough to enlist in our armed services. If I were going to die, I would want it to mean something. I would not want to die for some bullshit crusade against a people who never did anything to us. The Iraqi people are suffering needlessly. And I find it peculiar that we handed the country over to the very people we installed Sadaam to fight against.

You may think that this is just my usual rant. But unlike usual I am not rambling and this entry has a central theme. I am building my case as to why I should go into seclusion. I just don't belong to this world. I am shunned by elitist and outcaste alike. All I want to do is write. Legacy is an interesting word I would like to achieve someday. For I feel that I am the only voice of my generation. I have not been very impressed with Generation Why as of yet and I am beginning to despise the members of the generation that follows me. They are arrant little knaves without any sort of manners at all. I would have a fullscale war right now and rejoice in their slaughter. Let them die for their parents crusade. Still I find kindness in the strangest places of this Earth and it is the only thing that reminds me to love my fellow man. One of my professors is so kind to me and my plight. For the root of my hatred is and was my brother's death. Oh yes there is more to the plot of my lack of blogging than just self indulgence. My brother was the only thing in this world other than opium that has ever consistantly given me happiness. And now that Happiness is no more.


Posted at 10:14 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (11)

Oct 6, 2005
More Rumours



Ever since my picture was published by the paparazzi I have been the subject of many rumors. The latest rumor is the best one I have heard in quite some time however. It came to me via one of my best blogdrive friends Abby Normal. If you have not checked out her blog yet I would highly recommend it. Her blog is arguably one of the best blogs on the internet.  Now to respond to the rumor mill.  Word has been spreading that I am in fact the father of Katie’s baby. Now it is true that Katie and I are good friends. It is even true that I introduced her to Tom. I met Katie while interning on Dawson’s creek. Please don’t laugh. I am truly ashamed that I ever worked for such a cheeseball teeny bopper program but it was a valuable life experience for me.

 

But I wholeheartedly deny that I am the father of this child, although I will ensure that the baby has a chromed out red Mexican style tuxedo when he is old enough. This kid is going to be a pimp and when He comes of age I fully intend to use him to pick up younger women for me. Lately I have had a thing for older women. I think this is because it is unexplored territory for me. I flirt with the Korean cleaning lady very frequently. But I think that I am too awkward to have a chance of meeting any ladies any time soon. As for Tom being impotent I cannot comment on such a sensitive subject matter.

 

I must admit that I do miss working on Dawson’s creek. Despite the horrific plot and dialogue it was quite a fun experience. I was the assistant director for one episode. I will leave it to you to guess which episode it was. I wanted to take the show in a whole new direction though. But as I do not have any clout with the networks I was unable to influence the flow of the show. I did however have my own chair which I got to keep when I finished interning.

 

There has also been some doubt as to whether or not I am actually friends with Tom and Katie but I assure you that I am. Tom and I go all the way back to his Legend days. Legend was where I made my acting debut. I was just a minor little extra but I am proud to have played a Goblin. My acting abilities never fully developed however and I have never landed more than just bit parts and extras. I have withered now to a degree that I could never be an actor. But I still have aspirations of directing and producing.

 

I am not a big part of Tom’s life but our paths do still cross from time to time. Just when I think he has forgotten about me he will call. I am holding out for a flight in one of his fighter jets but I am not holding my breath. I posted a picture of me in the movie at the top. I am the little guy in the back that unfortunately you can barely see. But you have to understand finding stills from bad eighties movies is not the easiest thing to accomplish.


Posted at 08:52 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (10)

Sep 27, 2005
Cow Pastures are a Minefield

I had originally thought of posting a very dark and personal post. But this one I will save for the memoirs. I apreciate all the kindness you all have shown me. But it is time for me to be less selfish. I need to start entertaining again. We have had a lot of good times here at Blue Skelton Productions and it is time to have a few more. It's time for me to start saying things again instead of complaining. Its so funny that I can barely hold a conversation in real life for more than just a few moments and yet I can talk for hours on paper. If my only my hands did not hurt so much.

I have spoken on many occasions about that the things I dislike. I jokingly call it the Wasteland in my writings. But in truth I love Kansas. It truly is paradise. As much as I love going to LA, I could never live there. I need wide open spaces. I am surrounded by nothing for as far as the eye can see. Just like the enchanted forest there are buried treasures hiding in the nooks and crannies of this place. It's not perfect but it is home. There is also a privacy here that you could never hope to attain for more than a few moments in a larger place. Sometimes it is nice to sit back, reflect, and know that you are totally alone. Nature is just too soothing. But it is scary here. Everything is dark at night. And by dark I mean perfect dark. If you are lucky you might get a little moonlight.

Something is happening that I could never have imagined possible. I am growing up. It is time for me to take care of my responsibilities. It is time for me to fulfill the dreams of my family. With my brother dying I realized that I have be strong. I have to rise above my sadness and handle this situation like a man. I have a nephew to take care of. He is the spitting image of my brother. And I feel like he was a gift from God given to me to replace the brother I am losing. I have been looking for my Angel and he was right before my eyes. Truthfully I am not ready to be a father and I am desperately afraid. But I realize now that it is time for me to rise to my responsibilities. I owe my brother my life and he would want me to make the best life possible for his son, his wife, and my mother. I came out here to escape my past and I have succeeded. Now I have realized that it is time for me to leave the past behind. Its gone. Only the future matters now and making things better.

I have decided on a major. It is the only one that is available to me. Journalism it is. I know that I will not get paid very much but I just don't have it in me to touch. I have made one decision however. If and when I get a job with the newspaper I will never say a word about politics again. In fact I mean not to. The problem with writing about politcs is that you look like a total Ass in front of everyone no matter how matter what you say.

I have decided to be less pessimistic. I hope that we are killing a ton of terrorists. Maybe things would calm down in North Korea. We definitely do not need any more hurricanes. Maybe US and Chinese relations will flourish. Maybe Iran will quit hating our guts. Shoot I might even quit comparing Iraq to Vietnam. I have watched too many war movies. The Sixties have become such a fixture in our pop culture as this mythical age that we sometimes forget that the world has changed. I do not want you all to think that I am against a war on terror. Like it or not this nation does have enemies. And we have every right to defende ourselves when we are attacked. And our allies are being attacked. As much sympathy as I would like to have for the Middle East I realize that it is about loyalties. I am loyal to this country no matter who rules it. If a foreign country invaded this country I would be the first to say "God Bless George Bush, God Bless America and Where is my Rifle?" I would terribly hate to kill someone though. I hate a lot of people sure but I have never felt a desire to kill any of them. I am not fond of killing animals either. But to avoid sounding hypocritical I do eat a lot of hamburgers and I enjoy watching my buddies snake eat mice.

I went out on a date tonight. She turned out to be engaged. Hey what can you do. She was cool and hopefully I make friends with her fiance as well. Its nice to have finally met some nerdy friends. I need to be around my own kind. It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only oddball. I like nerds because they are the one social group you can usually trust. Also for the most part they are much more accepting of eccentricities as others.

And now for the big moment of the day. I got lost in a cow pasture this evening. I petted a few cows. They are part of the agricultural department so they were used to human presence. Dairy Cows I have found are usually more docile than cattle. I could be wrong on this point but that has been my experience although slightly limited with cows. Cows (the nice ones anyways) are great creatures in my opinion. There is somethine Grandmotherly about them I cannot place it. But this is not the funny part. The "funny" part came when I reached the end of the field. As I came into the light I noticed that I had stepped in a fresh cow patty. I thought that I had stepped in mud, Boy was I wrong. The shoes were old and I was not far from home so I just shed my shoes (they were old anyways) and walked the rest of the way down a wel lit paved world. I think that it is needless to say that I have not found my way around yet.

Life is so whimsical. For that reason it is so hard to take it seriously. What a fun adventure I have stumbled into however. I just have to grow up and grow up soon so that I can continue to enjoy it. I have realized that I have a new brother and a son. I think that when you have children you begin to really realize what is important in life. I have gained a whole new apreciation for my mother and what she has had to go through to raise me. This is a big week for school but I will try to visit with some of you and interact a little bit. I just wish that time were not so short these days and it is going to get much shorter.


Posted at 01:20 am by BlueSkelton
Comments (5)

Sep 15, 2005
Devil's Child



I have fallen. I realize now that my doom is at hand. It is my time. As I sit here listening to the dark music I realize that my transition to the darkside is complete. My eyes are yellow and there are not words to express my hatred for mankind. I have no sympathy left for myself or anyone. People are an obstacle in my path my smile is just a tool to ease my passage. I do not care when they die because I do not care if I die. But I will do them no harm because I realize that they are not at fault. I finally understand the duality of man. They don't exist and my life is just an existential dream. Herein lies the paradox. I do not know whether man is a reflection of my own corruption and cruelty or if I am the reflection.

Hatred is born out of kindness. When I was a boy I was sweet and caring. But they shunned and humiliated me. I take that back I do pity some things. I pity the fat and the ugly for every day of my life I have known their torment. Man is evil. They do not deserve the blessings that God bestowed upon them. I am beginning to think like the Dark Lord and that scares me. My eyes burn with hatred. The fire that has been unleashed upon my flesh can only be quenched with opium and I have only one dose. One dose to give me enough happiness to last me through this horrible ideal. I reject humanity in myself and everything in this false bullshit world. But I will not fall into darkness. I must transcend into something better than man. For I am no demon. There is caring and kindness left in me but it is only for one person.

While I was speaking of when I will be no more my friend recently asked me this question. “Do you think that you are the only one who has suffered.” I responded to her. “Why in Gods name would I care for the suffering of anyone else on this earth. No one on this earth cares if I live, suffer or die. I only care for one person.” She asked me if I thought that was selfish only thinking of myself. But the person I spoke of was not myself. I am just a reflection of my feelings toward mankind. Just as I do not care whether they suffer or die, I do not care about pain or death. Pain is inevitable and my death is merely a release from that suffering. The person I spoke of was my mother. For she does not deserve to suffer as she has giving life to a poor wretched human being as myself.

I am the great smeagol of mankind hopelessly addicted to something I cannot find but search all the lands for. And I realize now that I must lay down all of my joys in this life and rise above all of my fore bearers for if I should fail I will fall into darkness with all that is left of my kin. I owe her a debt so large that if I gave her everything she ever dreamed of for the rest of her life I would still not have repaid it. She is the only thing that matters. My friend also told me that suicide is a cop out but that is only true until my mother transcends into the force. After that my life is my own. I will have my two shots of heroin, my sunset, and the end of all things. For I have no children and my family is limited to one. One person for all of my love.

And please don't any of you make a comment telling me that suicide leads to Hell or condemn me to it. Hell is a bullshit concept created by Christians to boost falling church attendance. The fundamental fear instilled in us that suicide leads to hell is false. Why encourage fear? “Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear attracts the fearful” (Lucas). Fear is my domain. I can believe in God without question for he has always played a role in my life and I feel his presence every time I am blessed with the touch of the poppy flower. But I cannot even in my wildest fantasy imagine a place that could ever be worse than the existence I have been forced to endure. If you want to see what hell looks like come to Kansas it is here. The devil came and went and all that is left is waste and death. It is no coincidence that we are the conservative stronghold that we are.

Truthfully I hope that I can be redeemed but all I really want is the slow happy decay of addiction as I write my darkest fantasy's. I am not a killer. I am a writer. Some people are just not capable of taking lives. Yes thats the irony. All these dark words that you have read do not reflect the behavior of the author. I am a peace loving hippie. My greatest dream is to be Shakespeare. Yes life is horrible full of fear, doubt, and uncertainty. But you have to seperate the pain from life from your destiny.

In this so called civilized world you have to obey every law. There are ways around the laws of this nation and I will have my legal addiction. They have not closed all of the loopholes just yet. The drug laws in this nation are so insane that those of us who are truly suffering cannot get the medication I need. Whether it is fybromyalgia, arthritis, or premature old age I am in pain. I am afflicted. After who cares who snorts xanex as long as they are happy. And I cannot afford to go to the doctor. Health care in this nation is a privilege of the privileged. Religion is truly the opiate of the people because it blinds them. I love my God but I despise the clergy in all their weakness.

The dark side is not a path to evil it is just another means of surviving in a fucked up world. The evil ones go with Satan. I cannot go that path. I will not harm another human being on this Earth even if I have to be martyred. Because I do believe that if I do good things that I might be reprieved and allowed to spend the rest of my life in heaven playing video games with Jesus. And I have only rejected humanity for a short time. For if I speak loud enough and fulfill my destiny I will surround myself with those such as I see fit to be my comrades. And maybe just maybe I will find my great love. And do not think that my hatred for those who shun me applies to you my favorite bloggers. You all are the best of mankind. For the only people on this earth who have ever blessed me with their kindness is you.

And now for an update of what is going on in my life. Everything here is fubar (an acronyms for fucked up beyond all recognition). Its a German term coined in World War II. The greed of this institution is astounding. All they care about is their athletics program. They cannot even afford comfortable desks or equipment that functions. Everything here is a hassle and I am in danger of flunking out my first semester. Where I will go or what I will do after that I do not know.

And now I will spread my jaded words and controversial thoughts. I will speak so loudly that even God will hear me. All this dark talk has actually been a means of piecing out the Chapter 1 of my book. I will share the title of the chapter with you that introduces Blue Skelton. It is Devil's Child and I think that it is fitting for him. The character is after all the reflection of the foulness of mankind. Sadly many of the things I said are consistent with how I feel right now. But I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I must reject fellowship for now. I will try again to be social when I have the proper chemicals in my system. But more likely I will sink deeper into isolation. But that is ok I have heard that writers lead a lonely life and I can accept that. I have fulfilled all my expectations for this life. Revenge of the Sith marked the fulfillment of all my childhood dreams. There is just nothing left. Of course I would like to see a Hobbit movie but those rat bastards at MGM wont give up the rights. It would be a great experience though. My adult dreams are so far aloft that I do not know if they are even achievable. But I must try.

As for this blog and my writing it has gotten a bit redundant. I would not even have posted this latest passage because it is basically just a revision of what you have already read. But I worked really hard on it so I would like to have the satisfaction of one or two people actually reading it. But I want you to know that I do plan on mixing it up a little more after this. I will actually give you some commentary and stuff. Of course I gave you the Sith Cat that was one of my favorites. But I know that is not enough to satiate my most die hard fans. I know that you have been with me for awhile many of you expect daily updates while I am in school. And I apologize for taking that break. I do feel for you anticipation. I had some important business to take care of however. Soundtrack work we will call it. Yes my aspirations are more than just writing. I would like to be a film student someday. UCLA BABY ALL THE WAY. Unfortunately the first step is a novel. God what a cruel joke. 10% of the writers in the world actually subsist by writing and 1% get rich. Not good odds for us writers. Self publishing has made the situation even more dire. Bloggers are a dime a dozen. Excuse me a Dime a million. Every 7 seconds a new blog is created. And so far only a handful have succeeded in the writing industry. But I am branching out. Can't lose hope because it is my only hope. But I am gonna start mixing it up soon I promise.


Posted at 12:19 am by BlueSkelton
Comments (7)

Sep 11, 2005
The Dark Cat of the Sith

Last night I did something that was forbidden by the Jedi Code. I will be honest with you. I was both angry and afraid. Yes I now that both of them lead to the darkside but I just did not care. I did what I was forbidden to do. I put batteries in my double bladed red lightsaber. It originally belonged to one Obiwan Kenobi but I won it off him betting on a podrace. Putting a crystallic fusion device into a lightsaber probably does not sound to you. But there is a reason that it is forbidden. You see a few years back a kid in the big city was playing with the very same type of lightsaber when it exploded spilling battery acid all over his face. The kid was completely deformed and his parents sued the Hasbro Trade Federation for gross negligence. On the bright side the kid did look quite a bit like Darth Maul afterwords. The moral of the story is that you just cannot trust this cheap Sith technology.

I knew better than to put a powersource in a faulty lightsaber but I just could not resist the temptation any longer. Oh the darkside: “Quicker, easier, more seductive” (Yoda).

And I decided that if I was going to bad that I would go all the way. So I dug out my Phantom Menace soundtrack and set it to track 14 (Darth Mauls Entry Music) and then Duel of the Fates. As the trumpets sounded, I turned on my saber and extened the blades. The purr of my lightsaber was exquisite and realistic. I ran around the house slamming the blades of the lightsaber agains anything I could find just to hear the collision sound.

And then I spotted my most mortal enemy. It was the most powerful of Sith Lords disguised as my mother cat. I set about to destroy my enemy. Jedi kill Sith Lords that is just what they do. And Sith Lords are my specialitee. I would not fulfill my destiny and destroy the Sith today though. I had to settle for chasing her under my mom's bed.

God, the things I have to do to amuse myself out here in the middle of nowhere. But thats life in the Outer Rim Territories.

I have fond memories of being a Jedi padawan with my Jedi haircut. You know the one with the pony tail and the Jedi braid. I swear it was the happiest day of my ex-fiances life when she got to cut that thing off. Those were the good old days before the dark times, before the Empire.

Rather than recall the faulty lightsabers, the Jedi Master (George Lucas) convinced the Hasbro trade federation to release a cheap plastic accessory to prevent the sabers from overheating. More cheap cooling technology for a cheap lightsaber. But the lightsaber has become a collectors item. Everyone who has one seems to have lost or broken theirs. I would have picked up a plastic accessory but my purchase of the lightsaber coincided with my Twentieth Birthday. I was quite the little drunken Jedi and I don't remember the year of 2000 thousand at all.

Now if I can just figure out how to explain to my mom why the cat won't come out from under the bed.


Posted at 06:40 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (5)

Sep 6, 2005
I have an answer to every Stupid Question

This Question was asked to me after I posted my famous God theorems that everyone here on blogdrive loved talking about. I posted them on fictionpress which so far I have not had the best of luck yet. But its easy to use and the only game in town that I have found other than my blog. I came up with the theorys reconciling science and the existence of God while flunking out of Quantum Physics. What follows is a reviewers question and my subsequent answer. I had initially planned on posting something else that I will post just before bed (like I told you all sometimes I post two times in one day). But I wasted a half hour on this response and I find it humorous so I thought that I would share it with you all.

Her Question:

Where did you get the idea that science ever said God couldn't exist?

My Response:

Omg Did I pick the wrong the wrong essay to learn how to post on fictionpress. You guys are fricking killing me. But you live and you learn and I will delete that essay as soon as I finish writing this review. Maybe it was a bad essay even though it inspired alot of thought in other venues. People here seem to be bent on picking on the trivialities of the opening paragraph without even reading the body of the work. But since I have been the town fool on so many incidents I will give you all the benefit of the doubt and remove the article. Ok in the first place the fact that the theorems were entitled the Terminator theorem and the Stoner Theorem would probably have implied that it was not meant to be taken seriously. Second of all I will rephrase myself and definitely rework the first paragraph with less all inclusive statements. How about this: Science and the Christian Religion have been at odds since before the Scientific Revolution, so basically ever since the birth of Science. Many early scientists were burned in the Inquisition. And now I will give you the standard scientific answer to your question: God is an improvable theory that cannot be proved or disproved scientifically because there is no way to measure evidence or conduct experiments at the present time. No scientific evidence has ever been found that would suggest the existence that the Universe was created by an Omnipotent Deity anthropomorphic or otherwise. Unless you are talking Christian Science, but those idiots could not mix peanut butter, jelly, and bread to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.However they would all agree that peanut butter, jelly, and bread (all three created by man) were created by God in their present form and have remained unaltered (no evolving here) since God created the World. If you are Christian please do not be offended even sane Christians can admit that Christian Science is malarchy. And please do not think that I am an atheist when in fact I am a devout Christian and was just giving you the textbook scientific answer to your question. Also if I have been rude I apologize. If you wish to further complain my email address is probably listed somewhere. I am not as good at confrontation as it may sound. You are welcome just as the last few people did to send a complaint to my email box expressing your surprise and your hurt feelings although I think I have been less hurtful in this review and have tried to be as inoffensive as possible. After reading the email I will feel heartfelt sorrow and issue a return email saying how bad I feel and blame it on having a rough day. It will be a real apology too. Furthermore I would like to apologize to you and everyone else who had to read that article for ever posting it in the first place. Everyone makes mistakes and I will rectify that henceforth. Lastly I hope that you will continue to read my work as it was greatly apreciated. I will try to stick to my genre and areas of expertise in the future. I will not be posting any more jokes I came up with while I was bored and flunking out of Quantum Physics class.

The Moral of the Story: Feel free to ask a stupid question. My response will probably be total bullshit but I will make every effort to make it sound good.


Posted at 10:44 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (9)

Sep 5, 2005
A little self immolation for the New Guys

Well my moment in the sun has passed. I am just your average dude again. The attention span of the paparazzi is short lived. It was quite an interesting experience. I have never gotten so many emails in a single week. I am not sure if I will ever live down the reputation of being a Male Chauvinist Cheapskate but it was an trip. I will probably rot in obscurity for the rest of my days but I enjoyed the attention I have not forgotten any of you that commented. I will catch up with my backlog tomorrow. I had to unwind this weekend and have some dumb fun. I would gladly catch up with you tonight but I have not slept in some time and have ingested nyquil “The sniffling sneezing coughing how the hell did I wake up on the Kitchen Floor medicine.” Nyquil is actually quite nice. I think that a couple vicadin and some nyquil would do just the trick. I have built myself up the past couple days what with the paparazzi and all. But I would not like my ego to get too big so I will knock it down a couple of notches. Yesterday as I was walking back from dinner I saw two guys holding hands coming towards me. I started to chuckly a little bit (I am not gayhater or anything I just don't see that very often so I started laughing. The guy was a little perturbed at my action and asked me what my problem was. “Nothing I am sorry, I just havent seen two guys holding hands before.” I responded. Then the other guy spoke up in the most girly voice possible. “I am a Girl you f#cking *sshole.” Oh my God I have not been that embarassed for quite some time. I hurriedly walked down the path away from them. The guy looked like he was about and I was having no part of that. It was a lose lose situation. If I won the fight I would have been an even bigger douchebag. I had lost the fight well I had deserved it. But they were coming from towards my residence so I am very fearful that I might see them again. How do I get myself into these situations. I need to write a book so I can descended into a deep dark cave where I am not allowed to fraternize with normal human beings. And the Nyquil has taken hold take care until tomorrow.

Posted at 08:06 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (6)

Sep 4, 2005
My First Run in With the Paparazzi



"As always, Skelton and the stomach stapled fiance', go to a restaurant and only order water"

(Kelditty)

Today (early this morning) was a proud moment in my life. I took the first step into becoming a celebrity. I was featured on a paparazzi blog. And who knows where else. After all the blogger had to get the picture and name from somewhere. I sincerely doubt that she runs around taking pictures of all those celebrities. It is possible but the variety of locations leads me to believe that she is just another blogger like us. If you would like to see the imposter Skelton you can view the picture on my blog found here Maybe there is another Skelton who inhabits In and Out Burger and you will sort out the mystery. But I have googled the name Skelton and searched through like a 100 pages just for fun. The only two famous Skeltons I have seen are either Red Skelton or Ike Skelton. Also I have never seen this guy anywhere in either music or movies. If it wasn't my hangout and the fact I got so many emails I would never have put two and two together.

First of all let me say that I am not famous. I have made jokes about being friends with celebrities before but I was kidding for the most part. But I am known (as Blue) in LA. My friend is a member of a very successful band out there. By successful I mean that they actually get paid to play. Most bands have to pay the venue to even get in the band. My friend's band has played everywhere. The Viper Room (a total sh*thole when Johnny Depp wasn't there), The Whiskey (where The Doors and Motley Crue got their start), the Roxey, the Troubadour (huge famous venue), the Rainbow, and the Cat Club (countless blues bands) and many other venues. You name it, they have played there. But I should also say that they are unsigned. The nature of the LA music scene is different than anywhere else. You can be huge in LA for twenty years and never make it in the music business. You are just lucky to get to play and have fans. Hit bands are a dime a dozen out there but that doesn't really matter because the talent is often very high. Many bands like the Chili Peppers and No Doubt go on to do great things but many just fizzle out or overdose. But on any given night you are guaranteed to find a good show even if its just some music students..

So I have gathered a little bit of media attention from hanging out with my friends bandmembers. LA is a unique place. You do often get to hang out with famous people. If there are any Vandals fans out there, I hung out with an Old guitarist (from the glory days) of theirs. Also I have indeed met and talked to Christina Ricci (only once my friend waits on her at a restaurant and I was checking out the restaurant at the time). I actually got to eat for about ten minutes with Ms. Ricci which is possibly where the rumour (which I will dispel later in the Article) started. I have also partied with the Margera crew including Phil and Ape (Don Vito wasn't there that really sucked because I wanted to meet him). I had no idea that the Paparazzi had taken an interest though. I can understand why they would have been mistaken. I did look like that at one time and I do frequent that restaurant judging from what the tables look like. So I am slightly (and I do emphasize the word slightly. I remain a poor and destitute nobody) famous by association. There were also a few drunken incidents at b-list parties that attracted some attention. And a well known article I wrote under my own name.

I may do a column on my friends band for you guys but I have been lapse to do so because It would reveal to everyone my real identity (99% of Americans would neither make the connection nor care. But there is a quite a few oddballs from the past I never want to see again). Yes, as hard as it is to believe, my name is neither Blue nor Skelton. He is just the favorite character of my novels and I needed a screenname. It is strange having two identities but I think that most bloggers are used to that.

And now to try and squash some of the rumours that have been going around about me. First of all I might be poor but I am not cheap. I show my dates a good time. I don't force them to drink only water. And second of all this accusation that I will only date anorexics is preposterous. I am known for liking chubby brunettes. Everyone has their type though. And where all this Christina Ricci hullabaloo started I do not know. I have shown that picture to all my friends and nobody recognized him but we have reached a consensus that it does look strangely like I did the last time I was in LA.

If any of you all recognize this imposter Skelton let me know. Second of all I want to apologize if I have wasted all of your time on this article but I have received countless emails (some of them inflammatory) on this subject and I want to do whatever I can to squash these rumours and I thought that you all might be a little interested in my take on the Los Angeles music scene.


Photo Credit: Geddy Images

Quote Keldity http://richfamousandgross.blogspot.com/


Posted at 09:07 pm by BlueSkelton
Comments (7)

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